Here is a doodle that i did while sitting bored in danish class - i like the contentment expressed - standing at the bus stop, with an uplifting thought and an ethereal tune.

so here i will try to add a picture like the dumbass who hit the publish post first... duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhhduhh duhh duhh duhh duhh duhh

I just want to try to add a jpeg - see if the dimensions measure up and what it look like.

I'm only writing this so that it won't be turned off....

Who am I kidding? All the little problems have arisen today - nothing major. In the larger scheme of things, these minuscule annoyances would not annoy me - but today, the larger scheme of things has taken a back seat...

I have been fighting with myself for well over, what, ten years now and the past few weeks have got to be one of the epic battles - though thankfully, alcohol has not played such a prominent role as it has in the past. And why the fight - guess it comes down to not liking who or what I am and always wanting to be something or somebody else.
And what are those things that I would like to be - how about a list of the things I have always wanted to do but never got round to for a number of various reasons;
wanting to know how to type would be a good start - then this list would go faster.
wanting to know how to draw.
wanting to know how a camera really works, not just those point and press jobs
wanting to know how to play an instrument - the mouth organ for instance.
wanting to know how to paint.
wanting to know how to give up smoking and all those other bad habits that make me, me.
wanting to know how to fire a gun.
wanting to know how to be a better lover

Thats a good start - so now, in my 33rd year, I have about 11 months left to release these tasks.
No problem, yeah. And wanting to know how to keep the discipline to keep this blog going...
How morbid I am today!

Thank god that I am the only person in the world who reads this thing - especially my wife...so here is the latest update on the smoking front - today i smoked 1, yesterday, 3 or 4 halves, day before, had a few beers watching the football so ended up smoking maybe 6/7 right down to the butt - which in itself is not true since I now rip the filter off any cigarette that I smoke, which defeats the purpose in many ways, you could argue, but then I don't need to smoke as much, though this should be a concerted effort in giving up, not trying to control, which obviously is not happening anyway since I am having to sneak around like a schoolboy smoking so that my wife doesn't find out - yes, you guessed it dear non reader, I am having to keep it a secret from my better half. I haven't lied - yet. She has asked me how I am doing, getting on, and I say it's hard and that's it but she hasn't asked me if I have had a smoke.... so, technically, I'm not lying, and in my book, creeping around like a schoolboy is better than lying to the women I'm spending the rest of my life with... yeah, what an argument for maturity and moralistic reasoning. But as i have said, no one reads this, including the better half...(and if you are reading this now, love, hopefully I have given up smoking for real and you where none the wiser about my indiscretions or I am back to being a perfectly content smoker again and you know all about everything... which, of course, you do anyway...)

Still have not smoked and things are feeling ok... i stress the ok rather than a good. Having to go to work now - part-time job where smoking is compulsory, mandatory even. Lets see how that goes.
Toothpicks ohhhhh toothpicks...

Right, so here is the low down - quit smoking last saturday, spent the whole day on a bean bag in front of the tv, half sleeping, half watching and wholly seething. That was the start. Then work the next day, got the key, walked inside, the chef came in after a couple of minutes demanding coffee only in the way a dutch man could "hey, no coffee?" and then stepped outside for a smoke - I followed him and partook once again in my chosen annihilation method. Ok, so one day off the fecking things and back onto them the next morning, big deal you may say - but for the smokers out there, you know what I'm talking about. Don't listen to the squeaking minions of non smokers - what do they know of frustration and death and bad breath and pins and needles and and and ...
So, smoked that day, not much since I was too busy anyhow. Got drunk in the night time (to disguise my guilt) and then woke up the next day again with a head on me the size of Alaska - the guilt kicked in again - right, so another day in front of the tv, half and half and wholly and the next day and the next is where I sit at the mo, writing and breathing and seething a little.
Cigarettes, and curse sir Walter Raleigh, he was such a stupid git!
Something like that...
have a friend coming over soon, he smokes, the first test - am I a smoking or not? What will happen if I do? Should I? One smoke can't harm?
We all know the correct answers to all these question, but ha, therein lies the subtlety of the nicotine addiction, mix a little truth with the lies...

Sleeping - have been all day.

Back, and still smoking even after a weeks lapse into abstinence - funnily enough started on the first of the year. So there, another method done and dusted - the new year resolution method! Yeah, yeah.
I've promised the wife that I will give up after the next Monday at some point! Shit... a promise to someone else - now I may have to keep it. Especially if it's to the missus - I couldn't live with another reason for her to give me shite!